Day 4

So I didn't post yesterday, but I had a good workout.  I just didn't have time to post afterward.  I didn't make it to the gym til 430/445.  Got a good walk/jog in on the treadmill and headed home for a quick shower before a Christmas party.  It was a busy night, but it was a good night.  This time of year is always busy, and I love it.  But, I'm looking forward to things slowing down a bit as well.

So on to day 4 of letting the inner me out...

I couldn't make it to the gym this morning because I had a couple of Avon orders to deliver and I got caught up talking to someone, which was way worth missing the gym for!  Instead I came home and finished a discussion question for my Eng Lit class that will be over as soon as I submit my final paper (YAY) and then it was time to pick up my son along with the boy I babysit and head to our play date.
So instead I went to the gym around 4.  A little bit busier during that time.  But I just can't say enough about the atmosphere.  It is a judgement free zone and I don't know if because that is posted really huge on their wall or what it is, but I really don't feel like anyone is staring at me thinking, "Yeah you should be on that treadmill!"

After only 4 days of this routine, I already have some of my self confidence that I had lost back.  It's weird cuz I doubt I've lost any noticeable weight yet, but something about working out everyday helps me hold my head a little higher every day.  And the weird thing is, until recently I never had any self esteem issues.  Even in high school when someone said to me, "You're pretty, but you'd be REALLY pretty if you were skinny," didn't bother me the way you would expect it to.  In fact, I don't think I gave it a second thought until I was older.  And then it made me mad.  Because, here's the thing, if you don't think I'm beautiful at this size, you don't deserve to think I'm beautiful at a smaller size.

The inner me is not going to change when I lose the weight.  Only the outer appearance is going to change.  And the sad thing is, even then people still won't be happy.  Well don't you want to lose a few more pounds?  Oh if only you could lose another 10lbs...another 10 for what? for who?  You?  No thank you.

I'm doing this for me, Nate, and Jesus.  I want to be able to run up and down the soccer field with Nate, and not look ridonkulous doing so.  I want to run and not be out of breath by the time I'm to the other end, especially considering these are not regulation size fields!  They are tiny, kid size and I want to run it damn it!  I know some of you are like, wow, you can't run that distance?  Yes I can, but it is not fun for me and I am tired.  I don't want to be that person anymore.  I want to run to the moon and back, and here's the tricky part....ENJOY doing it.

Right now running is frightening to me.  I do worry about what I must look like, but I don't want to care about that.  In fact I now worry about what I look like doing a lot of things.  Like the stationary bike, I can not sit on one in front of a mirror because I am so embarrassed of the way I look on that thing that if I have to look at myself riding it, I won't do it. So I choose to sit at one that has a machine in front of it blocking the mirror.

Truth is I love myself..enough to want to be healthier.  I am not a Mabis hater, I am a Mabis lover (all my real friends call me Mabis ;)).  I don't self depricate and tell myself how much better I would be if I were skinny.  Not at all, and I'm sorry for those people that do because that isn't fair to you.  You are amazing too.  The cool thing about that is that I have my Grandma Mabis to thank for the fact that I've always had amazing self esteem and I've always thought I could pretty much do anything thanks to one day we shared together. 

I was about 8 years old and my grandparents took me to Toys R Us to buy a brand new sparkly PINK 10 speed.  My first!  This, as I'm sure you all know, is a pretty big deal in a kid's life.  I was so excited when my Gramps finally got it put together and let me take it for a test ride.  I rode it down their driveway and down the street and back.  And when I pulled into the driveway I was in tears.  On my way down the street, a stupid kid yelled, "Hot Shot," in that mean snotty voice that as a parent makes you cringe when you hear it come out of your own kid.  And it just burst my bubble. I wasn't trying to show off I was just excited about my NEW bike!  In that driveway my grandma changed my life...forever...  She knelt down in front of me, wiped my tears, and very calmly and gently said, "Becky, not everyone can be a Mabis."
And so she sealed my self esteem.
I'm not really sure what she meant by that, but that was all I needed to get me through.  She has been gone almost 19 years and I doubt she ever knew what those words meant to me.  But this statement is true for you and that is what I want to give you tonight.  Not everyone can be you either.  And you is pretty awesome!  God made sure of that when he created you.  So insert your last name because this is for you:   "You, not everyone can be a ..."